September 5, 2008
Dear friends and family,
Just wanted to let you all know my mother in law Barbara made her transition today at 12:10 p.m.–– in the comfort of her home in her own bed. She quietly stopped breathing after only 4 days of being bed ridden and not really communicating. Up until then she has been very " dialed in " so to speak, for the past 5 months and only in and out of lucidity the past few weeks, maintaining her humor, her class, and her amazing vocabulary.
After being diagnosed March 22nd ( just 5 months ago) with stage 4 breast cancer, she chose to stay at home and not accept anything other than pain management. She was choosing a more simple and natural way to exit.
Hospice moved in right away and we began the amazing journey of "home death".
The most special memories of my relationship with her at this moment now are of the past 5 months and how she allowed me to support her in her dying process. We had numerous, sweet and precious conversations and moments of quiet honoring, reflection, memories, and appreciation of each other.
I noticed each day of being with her, the life force gradually leaving her physical body, yet as that was taking place I could see the the protection and armor she had created around her heart over the last 83 years beginning to dissolve, and her spirit began to unfold, grow and expand. The most beautiful part was that she allowed herself to freely share that expanding sprit with me, which had never happened in our relationship of 29 years–– what a gift!
She began to let go of judgement, criticism, fear, and anger, and step into trust, humility, love, openness, and sharing her feelings. She began to embrace, acknowledge and honor those around her. She had the courage to forgive, and forget, and be in gratitude for others and what they had contributed to her life, as well as be in gratitude for her own life as she had lived it. This took every ounce of courage she had, and yet she knew on some level it was what she must do if she wanted to move on from this party, and she was indeed ready to move on to her next phase of life as quickly as possible!
She opened up to the fear of the disease and her death, and finally let go of her life here as she has known it ( what a frightening thing to do). This takes the most courage I think we will ever have to have. The courage to LET GO OF OUR LIFE! Yet a lot easier when we can embrace our life wherever we are at that moment.
I honor Barbara and thank her for the gift she gave to me, to experience her heart and her inner beauty in these past 5 months. I will be forever changed and grateful to her for that, what an honor!
The question I hold in my heart at this moment is why do we tend to wait until our death to start living from that place of opening , sharing, forgiving, and loving everyone?
Could we instead begin to dissolve ( let go) of the fortress we build around our hearts so we can then fully ( jump in) and live....... before the disease is diagnosed, the accident happens, or the relationships begin to crumble?
I feel such gratitude in my heart for this beauty Barbara let me see in her she had never revealed to me before, and the humility she had to let me care for her and assist her in her death. This experience has reminded me to daily open up and let my inner beauty and heart light out to every person I encounter, as well as look for that in others. It is what we truly deserve to give to each other, not later...... but NOW!
I celebrate Barabara and her courage to let go, trust, and open up to her heart. I choose to believe she is now gracefully and joyfully dancing with Buck, her husband who has been waiting for her for 42 years. I believe she is free from the limitations she had here, and that her heart is continuing to open..... now that is cause for celebration!
I thank you for your support and I treasure and love you all! I am grateful for the heart light you share with me and my family, it contributes to who we all are and the richness and celebration of our lives!
In gratitude for "letting go" so that we may fully live!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Celebrating Firsts... Embracing Lasts
So, many of us just celebrated Mother's Day, and for some it may have been the same traditional celebration.
Breakfast in Bed
Brunch at the Country Club or your favorite restaurant
Church with the family
Dinner at Grandmas
Picnic at the park or beach
A hike or bike ride in nature
Sleeping in bed and getting pampered at a spa
In the past this describes many a mothers day celebration that we have had in our family, and yet for us this year we experienced something that was definitely a first and are doing our best to embrace the finality of it.
My mother-in-law Barbara was just diagnosed 4 weeks ago with stage 4 breast and bone cancer and is embracing that this was her last mother's day. I guess there is always that chance that something will change, or the diagnosis is wrong, or the miracle healing will occur, and for Barbara she is facing each day now with the reality of lasts, embracing, truly hoping that this happens fast, being o.k. with the daunting truth and the current realities of lasts.
This is the last time I will:
go to movie
ride a bus
come to see the girls preform at school
fix my own food in my kitchen
go to the doctor, hospice has now moved in.
go to the mailbox
shower by my self
feed myself
sleep in my own bed of 25 years, the hospital bed just arrived.
I share this with you to not sound morbid or depressing but to share with you what is amazing about this whole entry. As we experienced our first mothers day knowing it will be the last mothers day with Barbara, she is embracing the fact that this is her last. She is ready to go, she is in gratitude for her life as it has been, for her children, and all the people around her that want to be there to usher her out, she is grateful and ready to move on.
As the lasts get more frequent for her every day, it causes me to stop and be present to all of the things each day that I take for granted. It causes me to have the desire to consciously each day, create more firsts, celebrate the firsts and amp up the firsts, especially at 50. Why should the firsts begin to lessen?
Here are some I am looking to create and celebrate this summer:
• Doing headstands in public places, just because I can and it sounds crazy and fun.
• Going on a beach summer vacation with our girls on a plane.
• Facilitating yoga experiences for abused women.
• Creating a neighborhood block party and inviting ALL of our neighbors, especially those we have never even seen.
• Sending a media packet to Oprah
• Driving with my baby Sophie, now 15, who will be practicing and honing her driving skills.
The following firsts I will also truly celebrate because I feel it is a gift and honor, and know they will also be lasts.
• Assisting Barbara to the bathroom while managing her oxygen tube.
• Making her food
• Cleaning her house
• Doing her laundry
• Holding her hands and talking, while compassionately looking into her tear filled eyes.
• Listening deeply from my heart about how she feels about dying.
As for the lasts, well I am still working on embracing those, I have not quite gotten to the level of detachment where I can embrace that this is the last time I will look into those eyes, the last time I will kiss her cheek, the last time we will laugh together, yet each day as she is embracing them, it is assisting us all to do the same.
Celebrating firsts.... Embracing lasts,
What a gift you are giving us all.
Happy Mother's Day Barbara, we love you, and thank you!
Cynthia
"Beauty is all around us.... Beauty is all inside of us" Majik
Breakfast in Bed
Brunch at the Country Club or your favorite restaurant
Church with the family
Dinner at Grandmas
Picnic at the park or beach
A hike or bike ride in nature
Sleeping in bed and getting pampered at a spa
In the past this describes many a mothers day celebration that we have had in our family, and yet for us this year we experienced something that was definitely a first and are doing our best to embrace the finality of it.
My mother-in-law Barbara was just diagnosed 4 weeks ago with stage 4 breast and bone cancer and is embracing that this was her last mother's day. I guess there is always that chance that something will change, or the diagnosis is wrong, or the miracle healing will occur, and for Barbara she is facing each day now with the reality of lasts, embracing, truly hoping that this happens fast, being o.k. with the daunting truth and the current realities of lasts.
This is the last time I will:
go to movie
ride a bus
come to see the girls preform at school
fix my own food in my kitchen
go to the doctor, hospice has now moved in.
go to the mailbox
shower by my self
feed myself
sleep in my own bed of 25 years, the hospital bed just arrived.
I share this with you to not sound morbid or depressing but to share with you what is amazing about this whole entry. As we experienced our first mothers day knowing it will be the last mothers day with Barbara, she is embracing the fact that this is her last. She is ready to go, she is in gratitude for her life as it has been, for her children, and all the people around her that want to be there to usher her out, she is grateful and ready to move on.
As the lasts get more frequent for her every day, it causes me to stop and be present to all of the things each day that I take for granted. It causes me to have the desire to consciously each day, create more firsts, celebrate the firsts and amp up the firsts, especially at 50. Why should the firsts begin to lessen?
Here are some I am looking to create and celebrate this summer:
• Doing headstands in public places, just because I can and it sounds crazy and fun.
• Going on a beach summer vacation with our girls on a plane.
• Facilitating yoga experiences for abused women.
• Creating a neighborhood block party and inviting ALL of our neighbors, especially those we have never even seen.
• Sending a media packet to Oprah
• Driving with my baby Sophie, now 15, who will be practicing and honing her driving skills.
The following firsts I will also truly celebrate because I feel it is a gift and honor, and know they will also be lasts.
• Assisting Barbara to the bathroom while managing her oxygen tube.
• Making her food
• Cleaning her house
• Doing her laundry
• Holding her hands and talking, while compassionately looking into her tear filled eyes.
• Listening deeply from my heart about how she feels about dying.
As for the lasts, well I am still working on embracing those, I have not quite gotten to the level of detachment where I can embrace that this is the last time I will look into those eyes, the last time I will kiss her cheek, the last time we will laugh together, yet each day as she is embracing them, it is assisting us all to do the same.
Celebrating firsts.... Embracing lasts,
What a gift you are giving us all.
Happy Mother's Day Barbara, we love you, and thank you!
Cynthia
"Beauty is all around us.... Beauty is all inside of us" Majik
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Power Yoga on the Edge
I just had the privilege of spending last weekend with an amazing yoga master by the name of Bryan Kest.
Over 100 passionate yogi's ( practitioners of yoga) from the Salt Lake valley came together for three days to participate in his power yoga workshop.
The event was an amazing combination of focusing on our strength, stamina, and determination on all levels, as well as exploring our surrendering, gentleness, gratitude, and purity and openness of heart'
I realize when I am teaching yoga how completely focused I am on my students in class, ( goes without saying) and when I become the student, how much more difficult the practice is when I am completely focused on the practice, my body, breath and the whole experience on my mat.
This past weekend I was taken to the edges of my power, my inner power, my clarity of mind, my ability to let go, surrender, trust and completely be in the moment to the point that I totally lost track of space and time. I was there so present to my breath and in my body that at times I could not even discern the difference between my body, mind and heart, it all became one, like yoking back to the oneness of my mind, spirit and body.
I have known for years that the word yoga is derived from the sanskrit word "YUJ" which means to unite, yolk back, to become one.
I have just never experienced going to the those edges of that oneness like I did with Bryan and this community of passionate spiritual beings.
Going to this place with 100 other people was such a new experience, where the energy in the room was electrifying, alive, and vibrating, and by the last day as we sat in a 24 minute meditation of becoming centered, letting gratitude bleed from our hearts, and tears of compassion flow down our face, we had not only changed the chemistry and cellular makeup of our bodies, we had also altered our hearts and shifted the consciousness on this planet.
Thank you for your gift to this community Bryan,
Namaste',
Cynthia
Over 100 passionate yogi's ( practitioners of yoga) from the Salt Lake valley came together for three days to participate in his power yoga workshop.
The event was an amazing combination of focusing on our strength, stamina, and determination on all levels, as well as exploring our surrendering, gentleness, gratitude, and purity and openness of heart'
I realize when I am teaching yoga how completely focused I am on my students in class, ( goes without saying) and when I become the student, how much more difficult the practice is when I am completely focused on the practice, my body, breath and the whole experience on my mat.
This past weekend I was taken to the edges of my power, my inner power, my clarity of mind, my ability to let go, surrender, trust and completely be in the moment to the point that I totally lost track of space and time. I was there so present to my breath and in my body that at times I could not even discern the difference between my body, mind and heart, it all became one, like yoking back to the oneness of my mind, spirit and body.
I have known for years that the word yoga is derived from the sanskrit word "YUJ" which means to unite, yolk back, to become one.
I have just never experienced going to the those edges of that oneness like I did with Bryan and this community of passionate spiritual beings.
Going to this place with 100 other people was such a new experience, where the energy in the room was electrifying, alive, and vibrating, and by the last day as we sat in a 24 minute meditation of becoming centered, letting gratitude bleed from our hearts, and tears of compassion flow down our face, we had not only changed the chemistry and cellular makeup of our bodies, we had also altered our hearts and shifted the consciousness on this planet.
Thank you for your gift to this community Bryan,
Namaste',
Cynthia
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